A satisfactory dwelling place.

I read a devotional blog yesterday about being direct when you ask God for something, about how he has so many things he wants to give us but he doesn’t because we don’t ask.  And also about how God will give us the desires of our heart and he withholds no good thing from those who trust in him.

The topic of this particular devotional blog is irrelevant except for the fact that I experienced this exact thing in June 2011.  I prayed about this same exact topic, I was really direct in my request (which was almost frightening!  Like, how dare I be so bold in a request to the creator of the universe!), and I referenced the same verses while I prayed.

I ended up having to rush off to work after reading it yesterday, but when I got home I sat down and prayed about all of it again.  I feel like I blog about finding my worth in God a lot, and that’s because it is something I struggle with so often.  And so as I prayed through all of the things I’ve been dealing with I was AGAIN reminded of the goodness of God and all of his love and all of his majesty and just how valuable I am through him.

I want so badly to be completely satisfied with just that.  Totally, irrevocably in love with God to the point where the world doesn’t even phase me.  But, surprise, surprise, I suck at it.  And I ask God to make me whole, to make me over-flowingly satisfied with just him.

Unfortunately, my cup that runneth over is like inverted or something and no matter how much he pours I don’t catch any of it.  Except a teeny tiny bit in that little lip on the bottom of a cup.  Ya know, when you take a cup out of the dishwasher and it’s got a little pocket of boiling water in the bottom that you don’t see and you flip the cup around to put it away and pour scorching hot water all over your hand and curse the person that ever invented cups with a tiny lip around the bottom?

I guess with that analogy, God gives me a little pocket of boiling love to smother people with and it is effective, but still, not super efficient in the storing of love for me to consume later.  I might as well just scoop water with my hands!

I opened up my Bible to a random Psalm.  Sometimes when I am just in awe of God all I can do is read a Psalm.  I feel like all of the words just pour out of my lips and swirl through the air like I’m floating or something.  For some reason, reading a chapter about some war or a genealogy doesn’t seem fitting during that time.

I seem to stumble into conversations about God’s sovereignty quite often.  I know some people who think God intercedes in our life but not as much as we think he does, I know some people think a God who intercedes in our life is the most ludicrous idea they’ve ever heard, and I know some people who would say that if God is in control of everything then they don’t want any part of him because they’ve been wounded so badly.

But, I think sometimes the Spirit leads, sometimes God intercedes, sometimes we open our Bible to exactly what we need to read, sometimes the Bible trumps research and commentaries (sometimes = always).  I randomly plopped my Bible open to Psalm 84 which says,

¹ How lovely is your dwelling place,
    Lord Almighty!
² My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.
³ Even the sparrow has found a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
    Lord Almighty, my King and my God.
⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
    they are ever praising you.

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
    whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
    they make it a place of springs;
    the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
⁷ They go from strength to strength,
    till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸ Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty;
    listen to me, God of Jacob.
⁹ Look on our shield, O God;
    look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts
    than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
    than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
¹¹ For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

¹² Lord Almighty,
    blessed is the one who trusts in you.

Why ME?!

One of the girls I work with asks this question a lot.  I will say, “Hey, can you snake the coffee machines?”  And she will say, “Why do I have to snake the coffee machines?!  I do everything!  I did this and this and this!  Why me?  Why can’t you do it?!”

We do it a lot when we are kids too.  “Why do I have to walk the dog?”  “Why do I have to do the laundry?”  We want to know why one of our siblings can’t do it because we don’t want to.  And when they are asked, they say the same thing.

There are a lot of times we think we should step up in a situation and we say, “Why me?”  When we get in a huge fight with our friend we think, “Why do I have to be the bigger person?  Why can’t I throw the fit and make them apologize to me?  Why ME?!”

Why do we have to do the particular things we have to do?  I know for me, when I ask this question, I usually end up doing it because I can’t justify not doing it.  I can’t justify backing out on my responsibilities because I’m not in the mood.  I can’t justify throwing a temper tantrum and letting my relationships suffer because I want to be mad.

Sometimes we see things happening around us that we want to stop.  And we feel this need to speak up but we are terrified.  What will people think of me if I speak up?  Will I be an outcast?  Will they think I’m crazy?  Will they gang up against me?  Almost never do I think, “I’m gonna say this thing that I am terrified to say, and they are probably going to have a great response.”

The last couple of days I have been feeling this pull to speak up about something.  So far my “speaking up” has been venting to myself a couple of times.  I keep giving this speech like I am in the center of an arena, and I’m actually sitting on my bed, and the only thing that can hear me is that stupid spider that hides in the crevasses of my room and keeps biting my face while I sleep.

I actually had a “speaking up” speech moment a few minutes ago while I was praying.  I was praying about the situation and like the flip of a switch I was done praying and I was giving my speech.  But, as I was praying I wrote this, “I’m so terrified though.  It needs to be done but no one is stepping up.  Am I the one that needs to step up?”  And suddenly I was filled with the question, “Why me?!”

I’m reading about David right now, and I just so happen to be on the story of David and Goliath.  Why did David, just a boy, have to step up when all those men who had been fighting wars for years were all just hanging out talking shop?  No one was willing to step up, no one, forcing a boy to step up.

Some one needs to step up in situations, someone always does, but no one ever wants to.  And if we don’t no one will.  So why me?  Why us?  Because, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” I Samuel 17:37

He will not call you to act on something that he can’t bring you through.  The spirit gives us power to speak, so SPEAK! ACT! STEP UP!

Totally perfect timing.

I struggle with anxiety.  I am pretty laid back when it comes to most things, but I get really anxious about going through an unknown situation alone for the first time.  If someone is there with me I am fine, but it is when I am heading into something alone that I get paranoid.  And if I really want a particular thing to happen, I get so anxious that I’ll miss being in the right place at the right time.  Like, if I am waiting for a call from a particular job I applied for, I will answer my phone in every situation because I’m scared of missing the call.  I am constantly scared that I am going to miss out on some big plan God has for my life because I was busy watching tv or because I decided to stay home rather than going out.  I am scared of missing out.  And usually I try my best to comfort myself by remembering God is in control and he will make sure I am ready for whatever he is bringing me through.

I applied for this job almost 2 months ago, and I really really want this job.  When I applied the process went a little slow at first and I didn’t hear anything for a couple weeks.  And then one of my references said they got a call from the organization, and the next week I had an interview.  With my current job I found out I can get 5 days off in a row in order to go home for Christmas, which is awesome because I haven’t been home for Christmas in 2 years. They said that they were hoping the job would start late November-early December.  At my interview I asked if the offices were closed over Christmas and found out that they are not, and if I got the job I would not be able to go home for yet another Christmas, which I was kinda bummed about but knew if this was the job God had for me it would all work out ok.  Well, then the job got put on “hold” while the people in charge figured out exactly what they were looking for.  About a month has gone by since my first interview, and I have called a whole bunch of times to figure out what was going on.  About 2 weeks after the job being put on hold, I started to wonder, if this job is put on hold long enough, it will start after Christmas and I’ll still be able to go home.  Well, last Tuesday I called and it has finally gotten taken off hold.  They are starting the process over again, and will be calling people next week for interviews, with the job now hoping to begin end of December-early January.

And, so, I have bought my plane ticket home and I am SO PUMPED!  I can’t wait to see my grandma and aunt, and eat kuchen, and hold Ania, and chad, and Elizabeth in the biggest hug, I can’t wait to have the most ridiculous conversations with my brothers, I just can’t wait for any of it.  Is it too soon to start packing now?  No, that is totally irrational right?  Maybe I’ll just start making a packing list.  I haven’t bought my return ticket yet because I am still waiting.  Still waiting to see if I get this job and be able to spend more than 4 days with my family.  But I get to go home for Christmas and that is the best news!  I am so confident in whatever plan God has, and trust that he will take care of all the things I am currently anxious about.

I was journaling about all of this stuff, and then read Proverbs 26 and started thinking about what I am going to read through when I finish Proverbs at the end of November.  I kind of want to read through the life of David and then through Psalms, so I started looking through 1 Samuel for headlines with “David” in them to find where his story begins and the first story I found was 1 Samuel 16.

God tells Samuel that he has rejected Saul as king and that he is sending Samuel to Jesse of Bethlehem where he has chosen one of Jesse’s sons to be king.  Samuel is all scared about Saul killing him on route to find a new king and God tells him to bring a heifer and say he is going to sacrifice it and invite Jesse, and he does and Samuel is totally safe.  So Samuel is introduced to 7 of Jesse’s sons.  And when he sees them he is like totally confident one of them will be king because of their appearance and God says, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.  The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  And God tells Samuel that none of these 7 guys will be king, so Samuel asks Jesse if he has any more sons.  Jesse says, the youngest is out tending the sheep and Samuel says, “send for him; we will not sit down until he arrives.” So David gets brought in “he was ruddy, with a fine appearance and handsome features.  Then the Lord said, ‘Rise and anoint him; he is the one.”  And Samuel anoints David and the spirit of the Lord came on David with power.

Alright, let’s just talk about how perfect this story was for me this morning.  Samuel is all paranoid about going somewhere, and it doesn’t say he has anyone with him, I mean all he has is a heifer.  Which I guess is great, because animals really are the life of the party anyway, but still. But God is with him and tells him what to do and he is fine.  AND THEN there is this huge part of God’s plan that David will be king and the kid is out playing with the sheep.  Samuel is there, meeting all the brothers and ready to pick any of them and the only reason he doesn’t is because God says not to.  If Samuel took the situation into his own hands, David would have missed out on his opportunity.  But don’t forget, this isn’t Samuel’s story or David’s story, it’s God’s and so he is gonna make his plan happen.  So, Samuel listens to God and not only sends for any other sons, but refuses to sit until the boy gets there.  Not only is he waiting for him to show up to his opportunity, he won’t even sit.  David shows up and everything works out great.

Why should I be anxious about anything when God clearly is in control and will make sure I don’t miss out on his plan.  I mean, I am journaling about being anxious and choosing to be confident in God and then 15 minutes later decided to start reading through David and this just happens to be the first story I stumble upon.  I mean, COME ON!  God is good.  And I am ready for whatever he has for me in HIS timing.

Sarcasm and David

“I’m in the mood for something funny, intelligent, and sarcastic… I think I’ll go read Shanna’s blog…” -That’s what someone said to me today.  I never get sick of hearing people tell me they like my blog, I mean, I love affirmation as much as the next guy, but I feel like if my blog were just my word vomit people probably wouldn’t love it so much.  But I never get sick of hearing about how God has used this blog to tell someone something.  It’s awesome!

Today I am thinking about David.  The sermon last Sunday was about David and Bathsheba and it has been on my mind since.  A lot of times when I hear about David and Bathsheba, I feel like people leave with the message, “David, a man after God’s own heart, sinned too.  So, you’re not that bad.”  It’s like it is intended to give us this hope that we aren’t the worst ever, but I often feel like it gives this approval of whatever we struggle with.

I believe in absolute truth, I believe there are some things that are an absolute truth and there are some things that are a matter of opinion.  Someone said to me the other day, “Just because something is true for you, doesn’t mean it is true for everyone else.”  I find it entirely ironic, because more often than not, when someone believes that all things can be true to different people they make a point to let you know that if you believe in absolute truth that you are wrong. But very rarely will they say it straight out, they will say it sarcastically.  Like, “Yeah, Shanna, you are totally right.  God is the only way to heaven…” And their eyes roll as a statement.

There is one characteristic that stands out to me in every election season, it manifests itself in the candidates as well as in almost anyone that has a strong opinion in politics.  It’s sarcasm.  Someone showed me this youtube video about this guy in government giving a speech about the homosexuality debate.  He begins his speech talking about how there is no place for homosexuality in America, and then starts talking about segregation and his whole speech is one giant sarcastic point that people who disagree with homosexuality are identical to those racist son of a gun’s back in the 50’s.  All I thought about at the end of his speech was, “who’s mind is he gonna change?”  All he did was make a bunch of people who agree with him go, “aww burn!” and a bunch of people who don’t agree with him feel humiliated.  And, sadly, when people feel humiliated they often retaliate.  So, in actuality, his whole speech was just 5 minutes of “Bring it on…  Again.”  It isn’t going to change anyone’s mind, just going to further the gap between people and cause more dissension.

So, this last week when talking about David, here was the tidbit that stood out to me the most.  “What made David a man after God’s own heart isn’t that he didn’t sin, but that he knew how to repent.”  I guess it depends on your interpretation of “after God’s own heart” if David thought like God, or if David was seeking after God.  But, yeah, David struggled with stuff, but he also sought after God with his whole heart and strived to draw closer to him and follow his will.  And sometimes God is ironic but more often than ironic he is forgiving and understanding and LOVING.  And as much as I love sarcasm, it really isn’t all that loving.

I mean, sarcasm sometimes is funny, but it is super dangerous.  I often find when I get really upset about something I go to my room and vent out loud to myself, and as I pretend to be talking to whoever upset me, almost everything that comes out of my mouth is incredibly sarcastic.  Immediately after I say it, I’m like, “nope, not gonna say that to anyone.”  Because as soon as I say it, I know it is totally wrong.  When used in fights and debates, sarcasm is the most powerful and deadliest weapon.  Yes, you will probably win, but you will lose that relationship, you will ruin friendships, you will create bitterness in your brother.  I mean, there is a reason that James is all like, “keep a tight reign on your tongue!” and proverbs is all like, “guard your heart!”  Because when our heart is corrupted and our tongue is wild we say a lot of crap we regret, and that’s probably how a lot of mono spreads too.

So, it brings me back to David.  David was a man after God’s own heart and he knew how to repent.  And I am super sarcastic sometimes and probably a lot of times when I shouldn’t be.  So, how do I go about being a woman after God’s own heart?

If my sarcasm has ever hurt any of you readers, whether it be in real life or in blife (blog life) please know that I am incredibly sorry.  Repentance is more than saying sorry and moving on, it is an intentional action to change.  It will probably be more evident in real life interactions I have with people, but I will work on my sarcasm, guarding my heart, and keeping a reign on my tongue.  I want to be a woman after God’s own heart, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to follow that.  And that statement comes from my heart, from the most honest, non-sarcastic depths of my soul.